I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Randomize
