Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
