Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Randomize
