I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
