i think my tv is drunk
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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