I think i sorta joined a cult last night
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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