im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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