Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
