Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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