Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
