i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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