Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
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