actually, I'm a sock model
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
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