Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Dick very happy bro
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
