I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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