I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
i think i have two assholes
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Randomize
