was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Randomize
