take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
