I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Randomize
