3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
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