I can tuck mytits in my pants
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
