did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
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