everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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