Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
