It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Randomize
