did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
