Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
