before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
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