ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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