brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
