just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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