So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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