I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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