He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
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