Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
When did angry sex become our thing?
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
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