I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
ok first of all what the fuck
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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