I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
