I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
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