Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Randomize
