By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
My pussy is not your playground.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
