I think I won the penis lottery.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Randomize
