Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Don't make out with my wife yet
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
