Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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