Kiss
Puke
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
We smell like vodka and hangover
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