I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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