I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
