textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Kenny Powers is just a normal guy with exceptional hair
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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