life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
