Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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