so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
