just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Randomize
